Work hard, know your shit, show your shit.

A couple of weeks ago, I picked up Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? by chance and really enjoyed the candid, funny and very honest tone that she takes. So after reading the book, I developed a serious girl crush on the author-comedian and actually went to check out The Mindy Project, which is created and starred by Mindy herself. Needless to say, I was hooked on the series and ended up binge watching it. I love the kooky, strong, independent career woman character who was looking for love and was not afraid to be vulnerable in love. And honestly, I loved the episode where Mindy began thinking about and carving a life for herself as a single mother when her aspirations did not follow Danny's.

To continue with my Mindy addiction, I went to get a hold of her second book, Why Not Me?, and went from cover to cover in just a couple of hours. The essays on life, love, fame, family, friends and self acceptance were funny and relate-able.

 

I particularly loved the part about confidence being earned through sheer hard work, bravery and determination. It reminded me of an article asking what one is willing to struggle for to have the life that they want. Well, I want to be a great Speech Pathologist, have great friends, be financially independent, and find the one who I want to come home to after a hard day's work. And in order to get there, I need to work darn hard, and not shy away from difficult and complex cases, be willing to fail in the course of my work and learn from my failures and the examples of other more senior colleagues, be willing to put myself in uncomfortable networking situations and grow my professional network. I need to learn to let down my walls and be vulnerable, to put myself out there and bounce back after rejection, to connect with others and let people in. I need to cut out frivolous purchases, confront my fear of numbers and learn to do my own financial planning. And most importantly, I need to learn to be bolder and not care about what people think, to not be a doormat, or operate passive-aggressively. These are what I am willing to do as I step into the next stage of my life. And surely, borrowing from a particular school motto (although I do not have the best impression of the school boys), the best is yet to be.

"Work hard, know your shit, show your shit, and then feel entitled. Listen to no one except the two smartest and kindest adults you know, and that doesn't always mean your parents. If you do that, you will be fine." 

I am, I am, I am.

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart.
I am, I am, I am."

As it is International Women's Day, I guess it is fitting to feature the only novel written by American poet Sylvia Plath. I have long been fascinated by the poetry and the life of Sylvia Plath ever since I read her poem, Mad Girl's Love Song. A chance coincidence made me pick up the similarly titled biography of her life before Ted Hughes and threw me back into her genius and the intense emotional highs and plunging lows that characterised her life. Re-reading The Bell Jar was then the natural next step in my private study of Plath. I was struck by the brutal honesty of a young woman struggling to carve out an identity for herself while grappling with societal expectations of womanhood and domestication, and her eventual breakdown.  

This book rewards multiple readings, but the the lines written spoke particularly to me this time, especially as I am nearing the end of my twenties as a (rather) newly single female who is trying to establish my own independence and peace with myself.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig-tree in the story. 

From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and off-beat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. 

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig-tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

Maps for Lost Lovers

Organised religion has always been for me a form of patriarchal oppression, where womankind are reduced to subservient beings first to their parents and brothers, and then to their husbands and children. A woman is not her own person, but always a subject to be submitted to God and to men, and Maps for Lost Lovers explored this in the form of a story about the honour killing of an illegitimate couple who were unable to legalise their union due to religious laws. 

Maps for Lost Lovers is a complex book that affords multiple readings. I was griped by all kinds of emotions while reading this book that was filled with differences between generations, genders, beliefs, cultures, laws etc. Despite the horror of the crime and the deep sorrow felt for the loss of the two beloved characters, there is much beauty to be found within the book in the form of the geraniums, birds, butterflies, and the changing seasons. And much love, whether that of fierce maternal love, tragic love between lovers from different religious backgrounds, unrequited love, or religious devotion. 

Coincidentally, I have recently started watching the original BBC 1981 Brideshead Revisited, another tale where organised religion is an underlying theme, and could not help making comparisons between Kaukab from Maps for Lost Lovers and Lady Marchmain from Brideshead. 

"The shop was named after her - Chanda Food & Convenience Store - but the sign above the entrance was painted over after she came back trailing the stink of failed marriages. The old name, it was felt, would needlessly remind people of the girl, their next thought probably being, 'Chanda - the twice-divorced girl.' I feel I am being erased, Chanda wrote in her diary angrily."

Gone Girl

I have finally finished reading what seemed to be the 2015 book/film of the year - Gone Girl, and what a harrowing read that was. What a crazy, psychotic tale about a marriage of true - but utterly depraved - minds! I was left a little more fearful of coupling up. Do couples really know each other? What if the person you married is not the person you think they are? What a truly terrifying thought! The story made me think about our perfectly crafted lives on our social media pages that possibly obscured darker truths, and of the power struggle evident in every relationship. I was left wondering if a truly equal partnership could be had in modern marriages.

The switch between the perspectives of husband and wife were really effective, and I was kept on my toes wondering who was the sane one, who was telling the truth, and then who would have the upper hand in the end.

Boulangerie 113

Documenting meals is a harder task than I imagined. The constant impulse to photograph meals can definitely impact the social aspect of mealtimes. I have not been a saint in what I choose to feed myself and in diligently keeping my food diary, but I'll certainly try my best.

So here is a record of some of my feeds from where I left off. 

I do adore this little French bakery. Boulangerie 113 does amazing breads and pastries. This time, I tried their filled baguettes after pole class. 

The walnut and Brie baguette was so good! 

Friday is not supposed to be my cheat day

Breakfast was taken in parts. I had an overnight milk soaked chia seeds with cherries and blueberries at home. And then a cheese roll while on the way to volunteering.  

Downed a cup of cappuccino for the daily caffeine intake and a banana for a late morning snack. 

Lunch was lemongrass chicken banh mi at Vietnamese Laundry, which was a lacklustre attempt at Vietnamese food. I much prefer heading to Soonta and Miss Mai for their flavour packed rolls and salads. 

I didn't feel satisfied from my Banh Mi and decided to get a custard polo bun from Nana. I love that the buns are soft and fluffy and that the custard is not too sweet. 

And then work beckoned and I had a cup of cappuccino, pasta with oven baked zucchini and carrots, a chocolate piece, half a bowl of mashed potato and an ice cream cone from Maccas on the way home. 

Food for the soul

My ambitious plan to wake up early for a run was waylaid by the want of a snooze. 

Breakfast was the first thing on my mind when I finally decided to rise, and I had a cheese roll with a slice of cheese and some peanut butter, overnight milk soaked chia seeds with a kiwi and a handful of blueberries, and a cup of green tea. 

I also had a cup of coffee with milk after volunteering. And then it was time to head home for a quick lunch. 

Lunch saw me slurping on soya bean and anchovy soup with vegetables, tofu and sweet potato noodles. I love clear soups and can have this everyday! I also had a serve of the last of the leftover baked dory fish. 

Chomped on a banana with chocolate chia nut butter for a sugar hit before heading out. 

Dinner was a huge spread as we went over to my classmate's place to surprise her and cheer her up. 

The spread comprised of rice, steamed tofu with prawn mince, pork rib soup with pumpkin, carrots and corn, chives omelette, stir fried sambal chilli wombok, stir fried eggplant and chicken mince, and char siu (which I didn't consume). 

I also had some cherries before bed. 

Cherries for better sleep?

Breakfast was my leftover lemon blueberry scone and half a avocado mashed with a hard boiled egg. 

This was followed by a cup of cappuccino, a kiwi fruit and some cashew nuts (less than 10) while I roasted vegetables in preparation for the evening meal. How did I live without an oven for almost 2 years!! 

Lunch was soup with sweet potato noodles and vegetables, and a serve of oven baked dory. 

I went into the city early to walk around before work and ended up leaving Woolies with a bag of cheese rolls. Needless to say, I had one fluffy and doughy roll. My love for carbohydrates is so difficult to control! 

Dinner was a mixed bowl of roasted vegetables (zucchini, tomatoes and carrots), beets steeped in vinegar, soya beans, pasta and cottage cheese. 

I had to help with desserts in the kitchen and due to an error where I squirted butterscotch syrup instead of caramel syrup, I had some ice cream. A cup of hot chocolate ended my shift. 

And then it was home where I had a bowl of cherries in the hopes that the natural melatonin would help me have a good night's sleep. 

Thermomix party

The day started out with me being rather disciplined in terms of food intake. Instead of ravenously gobbling down whatever I could get my hands on for breakfast, as I am usually wont to do, I made a batch of lemon and blueberry scones to bring to Kate's house, so I ended up having one of them with a cup of chai tea for breakfast. I did have a handful of cherries (the last 23 in the packet, to be exact) while waiting for the scones to be ready. 

I also managed to squeeze in a 30 minute gym session (4km run, 4km bike, 1km rowing) in the later part of the morning. 

Lunch was a big bowl of my favourite soup with the vegetables in the fridge, some sweet potato noodles and chicken dumplings. The dumplings were on half price from Woolies and were surprisingly tasty! 

Dessert was a banana with peanut butter. I also had a green apple for a snack.

Things went downhill for dinner. We had a Thermomix gathering where a consultant came to give a demo of the machine and fed us a 6 course meal. Everything was so good and I was amazed at the functions of the device. On the menu were a strawberry sorbet, garlic and herb cream cheese dip and crackers, potato and leek soup, rosemary and garlic pizza bread, paprika chicken with zucchini and carrot zoodles, and vanilla custard. 

Although I was stuffed after the demo, I had an orange and another scone for a late supper. 

Food journal - Day 1

I fight a daily battle with food and my weight. The tiring struggle has affected me emotionally and physically, and I think the best way to keep up healthy eating habits will be to journal down my activity levels and food intake. So here goes!

My morning began with an easy run around the neighbourhood and I rounded it up with 10 minutes of high intensity exercises.

Breakfast was a hard boiled egg and half an avocado with 2 pieces of Ryvita crackers, and a side of cherries and blueberries with greek yoghurt. I washed it all down with a cup of lemon water and coffee with milk. 

Lunch was leftover mashed potatoes, beetroot rice and oven baked dory fish. I had a handful of cashew nuts (approximately 30) and a large banana as well for a snack (not pictured). 

And then it was off to work. Since I was trying to stave off sleepiness, I had a cup of cappuccino before my shift. 

On the passing of time

"Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us time's malleability. Some emotions speed it up, others slow it down; occasionally it seems to go missing - until the eventual point when it really does go missing, never to return."

Sense of an Ending, Julian Barnes

The other day, I was trying to express the tug-o-war between two places that I felt upon the sudden realisation that my time back in Singapore has been whittled down to three short weeks.  A month after the holidays began, for want of something to do, I was raring to head back to Adelaide. Now that February has arrived, my heart begins to ache at the thought of leaving my family and friends again and going back. Sometimes it feels like I am torn between two places.

Nevertheless, the break has been a fruitful one. I have managed to bid my grandfather a final farewell, spent good quality time with friends and loved ones, read some great books, watched good TV shows and movies etc. May the new school year be full of promise.

Know Thyself

Are personalities prone to change with age and novel experiences, or are our underlying traits stable but our behaviours that change? I've always thought that I tended more towards extroversion as a young girl but lately, have identified more with the stories of individuals in the book 'Quiet'. Perhaps I withdrew inwards as I aged, or maybe the perception of being extroverted was just me longing to be the type of person that I desired.

Recently, I took the Myer Briggs personality test again and came out as INFJ. I usually take such test results with a pinch of salt but the description was really accurate. I've always felt like I was torn between two worlds, and a little bit bipolar. For example, I enjoy going out and socialising with friends but too many of such days in a week tires me out and I retreat like a snail into its shell. Yet too few of such days makes me depressed. I may come across as aloof but crave for social approval and love. I may be a dreamer but am able to take concrete steps to make my dreams come true. Case in point, my crazy decision to quit my deeply unsatisfying job, wipe out my bank account and change careers. While it may seem spontaneous, it was carefully considered and planned out. Finally, I am reserved, but hold strong opinions about certain matters and can have passionate arguments about what I stand for. 

And now that I understand a little bit more about myself, I feel a little less alienated and more appreciative of who I have become in spite of all the emotional baggage from being misunderstood. In learning more about my personality type, I am also forever thankful to being able to stumble upon the idea of this new profession and the opportunity to make the leap. It is definitely suited to my personality and my values. Let's hope the passion continues burning brightly in the years to come. 

Ah Kong

I pushed a full cart pass the laxly policed scanners before finding my way into mummy's embrace. The joy at having finally arrived in the land that I called home, and relief at the end of a long and tiring year, dissipated upon hearing the uttered words.

"Ah Kong is in the hospital."

"We didn't want to tell you because you were having your exams."

Time is experienced subjectively.

A stressful year seemed, to me, a long time. That, and the fact that the move to another country was a high stakes one. A do or die kind of thing (I exaggerate of course. But it sure felt like that).

Yet a year for Ah Kong seemed to move too rapidly. How could a person who appeared so in control of his mind and bodily functions at the start of the year deteriorate so much by December?

I would like to believe that Ah Kong waited for me to come home. Thank you for giving me the chance to see you for the last time. You lived a long and fulfilling life.

Rest in peace dearest grandpa.

Thought provoking documentaries

I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of my three week break by spending just a bit more time snuggled under layers of blankets (the reverse Princess and the Pea due to the chilly nights), and borrowing films to watch from the school library (I paid so much in school fees so I might as well make the most of it!). That's what I did during my time in National University of Singapore and in Leeds University as well, and it exposed me to and made me fall in love with a whole new world of film outside the typical Hollywood types.

This time however, I stuck with American-centric documentaries that I have been wanting to catch, Walmart, the High Cost of Low Prices, and Food, Inc. After watching those, I am reminded of everything wrong about our current capitalist economies and wonder when things will unravel to make way for a new system.

So let's talk about Walmart first. It was definitely not unbiased and felt like a revenge against big multinational corporations at times. But it was a thought provoking film that made me think about all the times I smugly patted myself on the back after scoring something on the cheap with not much thought given to the origin of the goods.

The evil that is Capitalism

I particularly enjoyed the end of the documentary, which showed people power at its finest. Ah, so we are not powerless after all. It makes my heart sing that a big MNC's plans can be thwarted.

Moo.

Next up was Food, Inc, a documentary that is close to my heart due to my love for food. This was an enlightening and at times, scary, film tracing the sources of our food and how (again) big corporations and government policies predict food prices that shape food culture. And how human greed is skewing our food system and ultimately killing us.

Do you know what goes in your food? 

I love my farmers markets and hate the thought that they will one day become a thing of the past as these big corporations drive them out of business and replace our whole foods with processed ones, so I'm taking a stand and choosing to be an educated consumer and choose whole food for the sake of my earth, my fellow human beings, my loved ones, and my health. 

"Why is it that you can buy a double cheeseburger at McDonald's for 99 cents and you can't even get a head of broccoli for 99 cents?"

Food memories

Growing up in a food loving Peranakan family, I have always been just a little bit food obsessed. My yearly family calendar is dotted with events surrounding food, such as Chinese New Year, the yearly National Day lunch that mummy single handedly accomplishes with lots of compliments and admiration from those invited, and the Christmas and New Year feast at my cousin's place. My earliest memories are images of my mother and grandmother chopping up vegetables and frying all the colours of the rainbow in a hot wok, the sounds of mummy's trusty kenwood fluffing up egg whites for her signature chiffon cake, and delicious food smells (particularly the fragrance of frying rempah or sambal belachan) wafting out from the kitchen.

When I was younger, more idealistic and fiercely feminist, I took the side of the bra burning feminists (not literally) and rejected the traditional female role as the nurturer and home maker. Hence, I never did take hold of the opportunity to learn first hand from the masters of the kitchen, a decision I regret today. My interest in cooking to preserve cultures,excite the senses and nourish the body only developed later in life when I started working. Being in a mindless 9 to 5 environment with a daily nightmarish journey on the public transport that was operating at a 100 times over its capacity (in my dramatised mind) made me seek out alternative hobbies to make life less dreary. So I began baking, experimenting with bread because I fell in love with the hard European types when I was in the continent during a semester exchange programme.

After packing my bags for a move to yet another continent for further studies and a career switch, I found myself longing for more time in the kitchen, recreating familiar recipes. I guess my homesickness manifested in the longing for food that was more readily available back home. While I am thankful to be in a place where  farmers markets are aplenty and people are as conscious about sustainable farming and cooking according to the seasonal produce available, I still hanker for the colourful and bustling streets of South East Asia where food is available at every corner and at any time of the day. Cannot wait to be home next week, even if it is only a short trip! 

One semester later

It has certainly been a long while since the last post. The first semester is over and I cannot quite believe that I survived it, while working part-time, with my sanity intact. I am so thankful for a nice long (?) break to just rest and catch up on some good reads and shows. These three weeks will be a good time for some consolidation of the past semester and preparation for the next one.

Despite the rigours and demands of the course, I am enjoying it. The challenging and intensive nature of the course makes me feel truly alive! This is my passion and I am glad to have stumbled on to it relatively early in life. Now, time to sit back and enjoy the break.

What a term!

6 weeks have flown by and I am now enjoying my mid semester break. It was a crazy first term, trying to juggle school and work (yes I have a part time job now!), while adapting to a foreign place and experiencing an entire spectrum of emotions. Despite the demands on my sanity and my brain, I do enjoy the learning process and the new career. 

It is difficult to describe the settled and peaceful feeling of setting my heart on a career that I enjoy. And I am thankful that I have the chance to be exposed to this, and the opportunity to be in this place at this time.

A few weekends ago, some of my course mates and myself went to the German town, Hahndorf, for a day. The pretty town really reminded me of my travels around Europe while I was on a semester exchange in the UK. Our first stop was at Beerenberg to pick some strawberries. Those babies were the sweetest I have ever tasted (beats the bunch I bought at Nikko, which were really good!). Beerenberg also has some of the best tasting jams and relishes for really reasonable prices. It was all too much of a choice and I eventually chose a bottle of plum jam that would pair well with peanut butter on toast.

Trooping along to the berries

Fields of strawberries

Gorgeous globes of sweetness

Our next stop was the Hahndorf Inn to satiate our meat cravings. The meat platter had a variety of meats that were wonderful with mustard. We got a little carried away and ordered a metre long sausage and wings for lunch (that is why one should never buy food when hungry!). Needless to say, we ended up having to doggy bag the leftovers. 

Cheese and pickles. Always a good thing with bread.

Our table of 8 were defeated by the amount of meat!

If it were up to me, and time and money were limitless, I would be travelling somewhere every weekend, like I did in the UK. And not being able to do so with such regularity is fine by me. Oh the places I'll go after this goal has been achieved! 

One month on

This is what I have been trying to do everyday since I got to Adelaide. This whole moving countries and draining my entire savings thing still scares me. Considering that the course and the culture is still new to me, I still get intimidated on an almost daily basis and am out of my comfort zone for most of the time. But I'm trying to just enjoy the journey and breathe, and to always always keep the goal in sight! 

Writings from another land

Exactly a month ago, I packed the last of my items for a new adventure in a new country. The act of dumping and arranging clothes to fit into the rectangular confines of the luggage signified a consolidation and the beginning of an unknown step in another totally different direction.

And now here I am in beautiful Adelaide, studying for my Masters degree in an area that I truly feel passionate about. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I doubted my decision or cried at the strangeness of things. But I can only look ahead and keep the desired end in mind. A stagnant career in a office job just did not suit me and drove me close to depression. So I am glad I decided to make the move even if it means leaving behind a stable income and starting my career all over again. 

The monthly night market

Despite my initial concerns about the city and the idea that most have of Adelaide as a boring place, I'm growing to enjoy the place and the many great neighbourhoods around South Australia. I can't wait to share more about my little adventures on this space! Until then!

View from my new home

A new adventure

The part time wanderer is currently a full time student in an exciting new place!

I am slowly settling in and finding my routine, so any updates will come at a later date. Although I am living off my savings until I find a casual job, I still hope to continue travelling and exploring the beautiful country in between school.